Reconnecting with the passion

You know, it's interesting. As an artist and creative I always thought that the existence of the skill within me would keep me going everstrong, that just because I COULD meant that I always would. Now 23 and ready to organize and move forward with my life, I find myself looking for the spark that had driven me down this path so intently all those years ago.

As I see it now, in this current version of myself, creativity and inspiration is like a train and its tracks. The thing is, I haven't decided which is which. What powers and what drives? I suppose the reality could be a mix of both, two yin and yang forces balanced and driving each other, but what happens when you've found one in need of filling up? Well, surprisingly the train doesn't crash, it just gets slower and slower until it just stops, waiting to go again. I feel as though it was this stagnant train that I had been spending my time waiting on since school. Now, I don't think it is completely the result of my doing, or lack thereof. The industry is in a tough spot, jobs have also slowed, and the overall state of culture is at a stagnant low. I used to wallow in that, feeding off the energy of the exterior instead of stoking the flames of my interior. It felt as though my core was unfocused. Cut to today and I feel as though im nearing this slow chapter's end and am on my way to what comes next in my adventure, and though this chapter has been agonizingly mundane I have started to see the lessons it's been screaming at me with everything but noise and excitement.

Sometimes you need to be locked out of your room and sometimes you need to be locked in

I've always been a social person in social settings. I love to talk to people, I love to share an idea, a laugh, a conversation, but what happens when the focus is on sharing so much that you run out of things to even share? Well, it kinda runs the fun dry. I found myself ignoring the parts of myself that would materialize into the parts of my social personality that I value so much. I began to feel burnt out and dread the thought of seeing my friends because the more I left my individual needs to the side the more apparent it became that they needed attention. This is also a bit of a yin and yang situation because just months prior the situation had been flipped on its head! When my Dog had passed away in December it was the last straw for me. I let everyone know that I'd be unreachable for a little bit and took time to be with myself and family and suddenly everything became a little easier. The funny thing about having needs is that when you finally take the time to meet them, they reward you greatly.

Get to know yourself again

When I gave myself time to regroup I really tried to seize the momentum of new years being right around the corner to have a conversation with myself. Who was I now? What had changed? What had stayed the same? And what do I want now? Avenues that would help me with these questions were creating a new pinterest account, devoid of any previous algorithmic influence from phases long past, creating a vision board of what I finally wanted to start achieving in the year to come, and attempting to throw myself into things I had always known I needed to do but was too afraid to fail at to try. For me this meant a couple things, Finally sticking to a workout plan (starting small in order to set up habits that will feed better routines as the year goes on), practicing drawing subjects that were out of my comfort zone, and finally telling myself that I am allowed to take care of myself first from time to time.

Let what drove you, flow you

This is the phase I'm currently in. Having recuperated and reconvened with myself post-college, I feel as though the hardest thing to see is what still inspires me. The hardest part about it all is that sometimes I don't even remember what drove me in the first place to re-investigate if it still drives me now. I suspect this will take a couple days of being with myself, it's not something that can be rushed, it's more a state to slow gently alongside. The plan is to clean out old photos from my phone, re-organize spaces in my house, reflect on the versions of me from the past in order to rediscover what had built it. In a way it's the ultimate reflection, but I don't want it to trap me in yesterday, instead I want it to pour out like a river that will guide me toward tomorrow, to where I'm going next! I've always had a feeling inside me, and that's why I haven't given up! That's why I don't ever think of giving up!, but it's time to draw power from that feeling instead of just using it to keep my head above water.